Last night I drank wine and watched “Say Yes To The Dress” on TLC. Total girl night. And I loved it.

A college friend of mine is coming tonight. She lives in WI and we had a falling out a few years ago. We’ve slowly made our way back to a friendship. I think when you get older, you don’t worry yourself about minor things. I don’t want to be in the drama anymore. However, in college, I was all about telling her that guy wasn’t good for her. Now, I’m just hanging out … if you want to be with him, it’s your deal. I guess that’s called maturity?

I’m kinda excited about tonight but nervous as the same time. The reason we had the falling out was because of a guy. See, my friend never had a boyfriend. She is a larger girl and has little self esteem. But she’s awesome – funny, smart, loyal and loving. Because of being larger and having low self esteem, she doesn’t think she’s worth a good guy. So this asshole came along and swept her off her feet. Which was easy to do … just tell her anything and she believed him. When I saw this guy was an asshole – he was/is a major asshole. He made sure all of her great friends exited her life. It was a mess, and we didn’t talk for years.

Then they got married. She’s been married for a year and a half. I don’t know if she’s happy because she knows I don’t like the guy so she won’t tell me stuff. I want her to be happy. If he makes her happy, I want that for her. But I just can’t see it when he was such a major asshole to her friends, and her when they first started dating. I mean c’mon … he cheated within the first few months.

So anyway, she’s coming down tonight and I think it will be fun. My goal is to not bring that stuff up and move on. She’s an adult and if she wants to be with a loser, then it’s her deal. I’m very loyal to my friends so I think it will be hard not to talk about the 800 lb gorilla in the room. But I’m going to try. We had such a close friendship at one point, and we should be able to get back there.

Plus, I haven’t had a girls night in forever. So tonight should be fun! I think I need to go shopping for some new shoes.

But we’ve been through this before – I keep telling myself. This is normal and it too will pass.  But telling myself those things doesn’t make it any easier. I just keep thinking desperately “when is it going to end?” … “are we going to make it? … “why does this rut feel even more traumatic than the previous ones” … “will it ever happen when we never experience ruts?”

I would pay everything I own to know the answer to that last question. When life is good, it’s really good. Really, really good. We’re happy and lovey. And everything is just right. I try to remember life outside of ruts when I’m in them … but that seems impossible. Non-rut life seems miles and miles away.

One thing that is positive is that because we’ve gone through these things before, I’ve become less anxious about them. I know that they will end, and life will be happy and lovey again. It just couldn’t come soon enough.

When we experienced our first rut, I thought it was all over. I even said “Why did we get married?” Since that first rut and that statement, I’ve definitely learned to glide through these ruts a little better. But can you really ever be prepared and comfortable in a rut? I don’t think so.

Rut – Go Away!

I’ve had some really great birthdays – always surrounded by great friends and family. As I get older, I learn to adjust to having less people around me. Birthdays are not as earth-shattering as they once were during the college days. But I’m starting to like the more quality birthdays. The birthdays where Hubbie puts in extra thought to come up with plans he know I’ll love.

Tonight we are going to dinner to a place we’ve never been before. It’s been on our list for about a year – just never made it a reality. Hubbie thought of it when my birthday showed up on the calendar and made reservations. I’m very excited. It’s fun to go out to dinner but it’s even more fun to go somewhere new on your birthday.

Here’s to hoping 28 is happy and successful.

I believe I am the face of the new conservative. When I heard that the Republican party was pushing for Newt to run in 2012, I felt my stomach turn. I have a great deal of respect for Newt. He’s a good, strong, passionate conservative. But he’s old school. As with anything, the new generations change the playing field.

The new conservative believes:

* Gay marriage is okay! I don’t believe heterosexual conservatives can use the argument that the integrity of marriage is only between a man and a woman. That argument holds absolutely no weight when we have people like Britney Spears who gets married for 55 hours and then divorced. Or Pamela Anderson who gets married to three people and make a spectacle out of each of those marriages. Apparently heterosexuals don’t have marriage figured out so how can they dictate?? If they want to get married – let them! Maybe they have the marriage thing figured out and can teach us a thing or two.

* Strong women can be conservatives. We don’t have to stay at home and have babies while the man brings home the bacon. There are strong, independent, intelligent, successful women who can also be conservative. We are rewriting the meaning of feminist to where it was supposed to be. Feminist doesn’t mean hate men, don’t shave and be a-sexual. A conservative feminist will be a woman who is a partner with her husband - not dominating her husband. Who discusses with her husband what is best for their family – not dictating her husband. It’s a partnership with complete respect on both ends.

*International relations are extremely critical. We need to tighten up our security, continue to be stern when dealing with countries like Venezuela, China, North Korea, Russia. And we need to continue to be great allies to Poland, England, Ireland, Australia, South Korea and Japan. We also need to tell Mexico where to shove it. We need to stand up and tell them we aren’t their doormat anymore.

* Immigration is good for the U.S.! All my great-grandparents were immigrants and I believe that immigration is what made the United States (anyone would believe this if they know their history). But … we need to follow the rules. There are too many risks involved to let people run freely. Get in line, apply and join us! But we need to know who you are and why you want to be here. And we should not apologize for that.

* We should reward success. The American dream is allowing people to have passions, help them make those passions a reality, and them succeeding at that passion. People who love what they do will work harder to succeed. Their success benefits the country. The country should do everything to help them meet those dreams. We should give small businesses loans so they can continue operating, we should give grants to those who are bringing intelligence to our schools, and we should reward companies that invent things that makes us a more viable and competitive country. The success of citizens benefit the country – and allows the country to compete on the international stage. Go U.S.A.!

* We should not reward laziness, bad behavior, or no behavior at all. Those who don’t strive to provide themselves a better life should not be rewarded. I have no problem helping out the person who needs it – who is trying but still needs help. But I will not help the person who sits on the couch watching American Idol instead of applying for jobs. There was a time when I was on unemployment. At this time, I had to go to the unemployment office for a meeting – to prove I was actively searching. I was completely amazed at the people at the office who were trying to STAY on unemployment – not trying to get off unemployment and get a job. My hard work should not have to cover your lazy ass.

Those are just a few reasons I believe the face of conservatism is changing. The basics are still there, just a new generation and new issues.

I love America!

But yesterday I knew if we had this plan for the meeting at 10, the meeting would proceed much smoother than the week before. So despite Boss “not getting it” I created the plan and sent it to him. Something changed. In the meeting he asked me to pass out the plan. And everyone else seemed extremely appreciative of this plan. The prez even used it throughout the meeting, referring to it when he had questions for my boss. See! I know what I’m doing! Asshole.

Then yesterday, I had another degrading moment. Fuck it. I’m not going to be nice anymore. I’m not a little girl that will just take your shit. Nope. Not this one. So I pushed back. And he backed down. I can’t figure out if he’s a male chauvinist or just thinks he’s smarter than EVERYONE.

Today I was in the bathroom at the same time as one of the girl reps who works with us. I don’t know her well since she works in a different office down the hall, but she seems nice. Anyhoo… she asked if the guys were being nice to me. And then she said, “They can be real assholes.” So it isn’t just me! Thank goodness! And now I know I have an alli. So this job is turning into more of a learning experience than I thought.

I have made some friends through school, and my old job but either they are single or have kids/older than us. We have yet to find a couple like us. I wonder if that will ever happen. We’re used to it but it still sucks.

On Saturday, we went for a drive looking for a new place to rent. Our lease is up in June. And we stopped at Starbucks and had a cup of coffee. It was perfect thing to do to get out of the apartment and not spend a butt-load of money. But yesterday, we spent more. We went to a local restaurant, drank beer, ate appetizers and watched golf/hockey. It was fun but don’t really want to spend money Friday night, Saturday and Sunday because we can’t stand to spend time in our 900 sq.ft. cell.

Things should change once warmer weather comes around. Yesterday afternoon it looked like Fargo … snow was coming down parallel to the ground. Blah!

On a positive note, I’m excited to go home this weekend. I haven’t been home since Christmas. I wish we could go Friday but I have class Saturday mornings so that doesn’t work. But that’s okay since we’ll be going home again next month. And then the weekend after next, a college friend is coming down. Hubbie will be gone that weekend so it will be a girl’s night! I’m looking forward to it.

In my five years out of college, I’ve experienced all these issues at every job I started (which is now three jobs since graduation). No matter what, these challenges always occur. Always! And for some reason, I always end up working with all men. And all men that are older than me by at least five years or more. So all of that makes these challenges even more prominent when starting a new job.

I don’t consider myself a feminist because feminists have ruined what the true meaning of that word is. I believe in equality between men and women. And I praise the passing of the bill a few months ago where employers can’t pay men more than women who do the same job. I am just as competent to do the same job a guy can do – and sometimes I can do it better. But I refuse to pigeon-whole myself. I don’t want to be the “woman employee” - I just want to be an employee that is respected for my hard work ethic. I’ve even refused to join the professional association for women in my field because I don’t think it should be separated. I’m smart enough to handle my own in the real world – I don’t need a professional association to back me up or give me support.

The young professional is a challenge because for some reason the parents of my generation decided they wanted to give their kids everything and not make them work for anything. That has created a generation of people who think they are “owed” things rather than working their asses off to get it. I have absolutely no understanding or respect for people who think that way. I’ve worked my ass off for everything I have. No one is owed anything. Get off your asses and do some work. And with that – older generations thinks that everyone in Gen Y have the “owed” mentality.  To prove I’m the exception to Gen Y – I work even harder.

So here I am four weeks into my new job and I’m struggling to handle all of these challenges again. I want to prove I know what I’m talking about without being a bitch – because I don’t want to prove the stereotype that women are all bitches. But the men I work with all have egos – so how do you show your skills to people who think they know everything. It’s definitely a fine line. I am stern but respectful. And I know I need to be brutality honest when they ask my opinion because if I’m meek at all, they will pounce. They will lose any respect they may have had. So I’m trying to balance stern with respect without bitchy. So far, I think I’ve succeeded. But who knows what will happen down the line.

The beginning of a job is the time to prove: I’m a strong, professional, young woman with good work ethic who will have respect for anyone who treats me with respect. So far, so good.

Do you find yourself struggling to prove stereotypes wrong?

Despite having a snow storm Saturday night/Sunday morning, spring is coming. I see green buds on the bushes near my parking spot, and the sun is out a little later. It’s 5:30 now and it’s still quite sunny out. And… the weather doesn’t usually go below 45. Seeing that temp increase over weeks, really makes a difference.

School … this semester has been a bit of a struggle because I was so burned out from last semester. But this class had all the papers due the first half of the term so I think after Saturday, I should be on easy street. At least, I think.

My job … it too has been a bit of a struggle because it’s a new one and I’m still learning the ropes and personalities, but I’m getting there. I don’t come home angry anymore, and I don’t get so mad so easily. Before I started this job four weeks ago, I was so angry. I would flip out, throw shit, scream and then cry almost instantly. I can’t tell you how many times I get in my car to go to work or school, and just scream at the top of my lungs – which would then lead to punching on the steering wheel and the seats. And then crying. I was so unbelievably unhappy. I don’t remember a time in my life when I’ve been that unhappy.

I still have moments where all those emotions pop up. Times when I feel lost, sad, depressed, broken. But those moments are definitely fewer than four weeks ago. And Hubbie has been so understanding. It’s really taught me to have understanding and patience when he’s going through his hard times. I don’t know what I would have done these last six months if I didn’t have him there to hold me when I felt like I was in the deepest hole. There were so many times I’d crawl in bed with no desire to get out. He always let me cry it out for a while, and then he’d hug, kiss, hold and make me feel loved. It’s amazing what love can do when you’re so lost.

Our marriage has hits some major rocks in the four years. But we always seem to weather it just fine. We always come out stronger. And when I finally come out of this completely, we will be so much stronger and happier. I am lucky girl.

Dear God,

It’s me. I first want to thank you for everything you’ve given me. I have a great husband and marriage, loving family and in-law family, friends and a great, successful career. You gave me the opportunity to achieve a bachelor degree and now a masters degree. But I have some questions.

Life has been really, really hard since we moved down here. Just when I think it’s getting better, we hit a road block. I try to stay positive and appreciative of what you’ve given me but it’s so hard sometimes. But through it all, hubbie and I have always stuck together. We may get frustrated with the situation or each other but we will always be on the other’s team. And I thank you for giving us such strength.

But here we are again at another roadblock. I feel discouraged and frustrated. I just want life to be happy and simple like it was before we moved here. Is that ever going to happen again? Should I just let go of that? Will life always be this three steps forward one step back? How do I stay motivated and appreciated when it feels like there’s never ending roadblocks?

Please don’t take this letter as unappreciative because I am appreciative. As my grandmother always said … you always have your health. And that statement hits me more today than before. This may sound silly but hearing that 27 yr old reality celebrity Jade Goody died from cervical cancer this weekend really hit me. I’m 27 and that could easily be me. She had two young boys and a budding marriage. So I know I’m lucky. I’m a healthy 27 yr old woman who just has daily struggles.

But my daily struggles are still struggles. How do I keep pushing on? Does it ever get easier?

Love,
Me